Through the Lens of Love— “Advice to Women” by Eunice De Souza
Love hurts.
If you feel neglected by your lover, if your expectations are not met by your beloved, and you still choose to love, you are the type of woman addressed in the poem.
De Souza’s poem is about loving, without letting yourself pine away for love.
As with any other poem, “Advice to Women” can be interpreted in several ways. I am to perceive it from a lover’s point of view.
“Keep cats
if you want to learn to cope with
the otherness of lovers.”
The basic advice is to keep cats in order to cope with , mind it, it says ‘cope’ because the poet, being a woman, knows that the otherness of lovers hurts and women need to cope with it. It doesn’t ask us to keep a cat to fill the absence of lovers, or to adapt the manners and qualities of cats; it does not suggest to do away with your lover, it simply advises how not to be disheartened. It asks us to keep cats, or simply look up to cats if we want to cope with the otherness of lovers.
What exactly is the otherness of lovers?
Otherness is the distinct quality/ nature of the lovers— of men, which differs from women’s.
Cats are different from other domestic animals. The owner of a cat is used to their ‘otherness’. Cats resemble the lovers in the poem. Women need to cope with their otherness by understanding it.
“Otherness is not always neglect -
Cats return to their litter trays
when they need to.”
For cats (and men), a certain amount of disassociation is normal. While women might want to be emotionally dependent on their lovers, they should understand that their lovers’ not wanting the same is not something to be disheartened about. Men and women are created as different. Men might not be able to show their love towards women as expected of them; they might seem to not care, but in actuality, it’s just their nature.
As said earlier, such men resemble cats — Cats return when they need to, and so do men, according to the poem. Women should know that their lovers will return when they emotionally and/or physically are in need of love. Cats do as they will, and women are advised to understand that their detached lovers, who are men, will act of their own accord, love how they want. They have not forgotten you or unloved you, they do return.
“Don’t cuss out of the window
at their enemies.
That stare of perpetual surprise
in those great green eyes
will teach you
to die alone.”
Finally, it advises to not indulge in heated, cussing arguments, which might surprise or offend them. They (both cats and men) express their surprise, their expression with their eyes which, according to the poem, doesn’t seem convincing of love. Thus do not expect to die with them as the stare will teach to die alone.
Cope with their otherness, hope and wait for their return, don’t indulge in heated arguments— all while maintaining emotional detachment because you will actually die alone.
This interpretation might seem to be asking women to compromise to “be there” for their lovers, which can be emotionally exhausting, but hear me out.
What happens when a lover you think you can’t live without leaves you? You do not die.
“But why must I endure their ‘otherness’?” You may ask.
That's because you wouldn't want to beg for their love. One should never beg to be loved or to be with the lover, because if you begged for your lover to stay, and they acquiesced, it would be kindness, not love. Love isn't equivalent to pity, is it?
So if you’re to love, love without begging, without expecting them to go against their ‘otherness’. If you want to save yourself from mental agitation, convince your mind to allow your heart to love. If you are to love, love without expecting.
You see, it’s about surviving the relationship, if only you want to keep loving. Otherwise you are always free to leave for better or none.
Women in love tend to emotionally cling to their partners more than men do, and thus it is wise to practice healthy disassociation.
A lot many times, women start revolving their whole life around their romantic love interest. And this is what the “Advice” asks women to avoid. Love your lovers. But know that you are to die alone.
Love doesn't have to be tormenting, and this “Advice” serves as an aid to those women who have lovers who behave like cats— lovers who claim to love you but sometimes forget to make you feel loved.
